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2010: A year in preview

By Staff | Nov 23, 2010

It’s a year ending in zero. So we all know what that means: the remaining weeks of this calendar year will be a blur of Top 100 This or Best Thats of the Decade. From now until the clock strikes midnight on Dec. 31, 2010, we will be frozen in a perpetual state of retrospection.

But what’s the fun in looking back when you have a fresh, meaty decade ahead? Year-in-reviews are for sissies. The wonks with real cojones prognosticate. With that, the next 10 years:

If you’re unhappy with the current state of politics you might want to consider a one-way flight to Anywhere Else.

Bickering in Washington will devolve to levels unmatched even on public school playgrounds, and in a major effort to re-haul the Current State of Things and work toward cooperation, both houses will take a permanent recess. By 2015, all legislation will be passed or shot down based on a vote-count using Facebook’s “Like” function.

The omnipresence of Facebook and other data-mining tools will not cease their exponential proliferation of our lives. Technology will drive on — and certainly not only autonomously in Google’s new cars.

Google will join forces with Apple to launch iEat. By scanning the barcodes of foods you purchase, this app will store and track your eating preferences. This beta app will be followed by future versions prompting you when it’s time to hit the grocery store, providing you with a shopping list, and eventually informing when you’re hungry, revealing what you’re craving and even chewing food on your behalf.

Predicting the future of American culture is difficult; however, the pants can’t grip the thighs of Williamsburg-hipsters any tighter than they already do. Assuming years of constriction haven’t denied an entire sub-culture the ability to reproduce, we will witness the postmodern parenting of a generation of hipsters.

By 2019 the alarming findings of a study revealing an unprecendented spike in adolescent homelessness will be retracted. The source of error will be cited as the accidental identification of androgynous, grimy, apathetic hipster-offspring as hobos.

Finally, the 20-teens will see the rise and fall of Zach Galifianakis. The decade will come to a tragic close as the actor, who for so long held out hope of playing a new character, dies — literally Bored to Death.

On a happy note, 2021 will start off with a bang as Mr. Galifianakis resurrects — a glorious phoenix with a hot new career.

Contact Katharine at letters@graffitiwv.com