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Rules for safe booty calls in Mother Nature

By Staff | Mar 24, 2009

There’s something primitive (and hence sexy) about going au naturel amidst the hidden curtains of nature — in a secluded meadow, on the forest floor, atop a fallen tree, somewhere that seems unlikely there would be any onlookers.

This assumed expectation of isolation creates an intensifying experience, feeling as though you may be doing something wrong, yet in childish grandeur, enjoying the experience all the more because of its seemingly taboo existence.

So, how does one do it? There are many factors we need to think about that can clutter and cloud the excitement. What if I get poison ivy in my butt? What if we encounter wildlife? How in the world do I make this bark cozy enough to sit or lay on? What if someone’s watching?

Rule 1 — Find a place that actually is secluded. Sure it’s hot to think about getting it on in the corner of a park where one may or may not have eyewitnesses; however, unless you’re comfortable with the idea of perhaps getting caught (maybe by small children), it’s crucial that you find a place that truly is out of sight.

This task isn’t for the lazy. This could require an extensive hike and a little venturing off the beaten path. National and state parks are a great opportunity for some woodsy love. They usually have well maintained trails of all variations and difficulties allowing you to venture far into the forest where families and inexperienced hikers do not venture. Information is readily available online outlining the popularity (or the foot traffic) of particular trails to assess the likelihood in advance of crossing paths with others. On the other hand, private property is always a promising woodland mattress.

Rule 2 — Avoiding wildlife and insects that could disturb your jungle rendezvous is no guarantee. There are, however, a few precautions that can lessen the likelihood of this. One easy measure would be to come equipped with (unscented) OFF Spray. It’s important that it be unscented because nailing anything that smells like bug spray is just not hot.

To avoid bees, avoid wearing anything that has a scent or hint of sweetness. To avoid predators like bears, lions or gators, be sure to have no open food products that could provide a lingering scent inviting them along for the ride (no pun intended). Leave the leftovers at home. Also be sure to have no food byproducts on yourself (like the milk ring around your mouth or drippings of gravy on your shirt). Come to the forest clean.

Rule 3 — Poisonous plants like poison ivy, oak, and sumac are another danger of your sexual endeavor. The only way to truly avoid being affected by these monsters is to be knowledgeable of their appearance — their plant structure, shape of their leaves, and their preferred growth locations.

While selecting the spot to engulf in your sexual journey, be conscious of your surroundings and be absolutely sure there are no infectious plants in the area. Considering the amount of your body being exposed to the plants, keep in mind the misery a post forest romp will bring if these nasty little demons attack your nether regions.

Rule 4 — Finding comfort in sometimes uncomfortable places can be tricky. If you’re not lucky enough to stumble across a meadow or patch of forest floor pre-equipped with soft, green grass, you may be required to make do with what Mother Nature has provided for you.

In some cases, this could be a fallen tree trunk or amidst pine needles and briar patches. You should bring a blanket or something cozy to lie down on in case the aforementioned meadow of perfection is unobtainable. Another useful tool in case you must utilize a fallen tree trunk would be one of those donut things for sore butts. They make a great seat (not that I know from experience).

Rule 5 — Let go of your inhibitions. Obviously if you’re seeking the raw and primal experience of sharing a sexual encounter in the arms of Mother Nature, you desire to be uninhibited and free of worry. However, with all the things one must be cautious of, it can be hard to balance precaution and letting go of inhibitions. Allow yourself to fully enjoy the experience. The easiest way to do this is to find a location that is perfectly secluded and cozy. It may take a little exploration but the tossing of worries to the wind to engage in a primeval and primordial human experience is ultimately revitalizing and far more personal than a five star hotel with Egyptian cotton sheets. Part of the sexiness is the adventure itself.

Contact Ashley at ahalligan@graffitiwv.com