Top 5 ‘Top 5s’ We Came Up With This Issue
This might have been the toughest and strangest Top Five discussion topic we’ve had — Top Five Batman somethings. We’ve thrown around topic and premise, torn pages of notes with scribbled subjects and thrown our heads back with laughter as we scoured Top Fives for Batman and his movies. As you can probably guess, the material is rich. Really rich. From Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito to the Bat-boat and tight leather pants, we just couldn’t help ourselves. Now, without further ado, the Top Five Batman Top Fives.
5 Top Five Quotes from Mr. Freeze — I warned you the Governator would blast his way into the Top Five discussion. That’s right, in the 1997 follow-up to “Batman Returns,” “Batman & Robin” brought with it the baddie Mr. Freeze, played by the one and only Arnold Schwarzenegger. In said masterpiece, Mr. Freeze is portrayed, much to the dismay of DC fans, as this campy version of himself. In the comic books, Mr. Freeze is an interesting and tragic character. In the movies, well, he’s not at all. In fact, Arnold’s portrayal of Freeze was so poor, that our Top Five idea was spawned by such quotes as, “You’re not sending me to the cooler,” “Allow me to break the ice,” “Let’s kick some ice,” “Hey everyone, Chill!” and the pun-erfiric “Ice to see you!” Super, super funny.
4 Top Five Things we’d risk to date Poison Ivy — Staying on “Batman & Robin,” the fem-fatale of Poison Ivy was played by phenomenal actress and professional head-turner Uma Thurman. From these facts and these facts alone we would be willing to risk various poisonous deaths to be with the one and only Poison Ivy. You see, having the ability to harness the poisons of plants and seduce others with them is something the Graffiti team could get behind. We implore the idea of risking life and limb to just be around poison ivy. For instance, some of the five things we’d do would include but not be limited to wearing a full bubble suit at all times, becoming infatuated to the point of plotting against Batman and definitely, definitely killing Robin. (Ed. note: I originally asked Ben to do a Top Five Things We’d Do to Poison Ivy, solely so I could say, “I’d poison her ivy, if you know what I’m saying.” Since Ben went somewhere else, I’m relegated to an editor’s note.)
3 Top Five Best Batmans — This one was not not hard. In fact, the results may surprise you as to who went where in our Top Five Best Batmans. Bringing up the rear, with pretty boy distinction, is George Clooney for his role in “Batman & Robin.” In the four slot is the man who brought Batman to his first silver screen commercial success Michael Keaton. Solid but rising at No. 3 is the mighty Christian Bale, without whom we wouldn’t even be talking about Batman these days. No. 2 is the original, the one and only, Adam West. Even though we knew he really wasn’t scaling those walls with the camera sideways, he was the first real human face with Batman. But who is No. 1? No, it’s not Val Kilmer. We left him completely off the list. Actually, the No. 1, while it may be very controversial, is Kevin Conroy. I know you don’t know who that is, so I’ll tell you. Kevin Conroy was the voice of Batman through “Batman: The Animated Series” and other animated television spinoffs as well as voicing in six animated Batman movies. True Batman fans know exactly who I’m talking about and appreciate Conroy’s persistence to voice Mr. Wayne even when Spidey and The X-Men were raking in the dough.
2 Top Five Worst Batmans — 5. Val Kilmer, 4. Val Kilmer, 3. Val Kilmer, 2. Val Kilmer, 1. Whoever was in “Batman Forever.”
1 Top Five Reasons Robin should never appear in the Christopher Nolan versions of Batman — Christopher Nolan (director of “Batman Begins” and “The Dark Knight”), thank goodness, has publicly stated his belief that since Bale is portraying such a young Batman, Robin has no place in the series right now. We understand Robin is a controversial figure in the Batman fandom; some people value what Robin brings to the Batman character and his essence of family, while others want see Robin riddled with Batarangs and laid to rest. Christian Bale has also publicly joked, “I’ll be chaining myself up somewhere and refusing to go to work” if Robin comes into the picture. To summate — don’t lose Bale to get Robin.
Contact Ben at firstname.lastname@example.org