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Five More Ways to Spend 30 Days

By Staff | May 20, 2008

Beckley native Morgan Spurlock made his name through spending 30 days eating McDonald’s. Now he’s capitalizing on that with his FX TV series “30 Days,” where he or some other Joe or Jane do something for 30 days. So why not offer our own list?

∫ Morgan writes for Graffiti —You think working in a coal mine is tough? Well, wait until you step two feet into the Graffiti office. Day in and day out you’re laying out pages, editing articles or generating content. Mind you, you’re also doing those three things at a much higher level. In fact, they’re so high they are unreachable. Yes, we want Morgan Spurlock to attempt the unreachable. He has to come into this office at the crack of nine(ish), write a couple Top 5s or an article and then go to Tampico for the best $3 lunch of your life. Come back bloated and swearing you’ll never go again (even though you know you’re going back two days from now). At that point, do an interview with a band/comedian/whomever and then transcribe it all while freezing in your office because it’s normally 30 below in here. Do some more freezing and then cap off the main article you’ve been trying to conclude since yesterday because you’re anal about your writing. Then, around 5:15, slam your head on your desk and go home defeated. All right, it’s not that tough and certainly nowhere near the vicinity as coal mining, but we’d just like to have Morgan around the office.

∫ Actress Zooey Deschanel Dates Justin for 30 days — By request of my editor, No. 4 simply stipulates that American actress and new singing sensation Zooey Deschanel goes out on 30 dates in 30 days with our editor Justin McIntosh. Justin figured that since Morgan Spurlock is a famous director and documentary filmmaker, he would have connections that would allow this scenario to play out. “C’mon! Who wouldn’t fall in love with me with 30 dates in 30 days?” said Justin in a gruff voice. I can see it now, the camera crew follows Zooey and Justin around downtown Parkersburg, past My Way Lounge and onto Market Street. Cut to one on one camera interviews. “I really think she likes me,” says Justin with a smirk into the camera. Cut back to Zooey, “Who is this guy?”

∫ Ben becomes a Republican — No. 3 is also suggested by our editor and let me just say this — it would be a bad idea. But, since I am not the boss I shall paint a picture … I would have to wake up at six in order to gear up for the day by watching last nights’ Tivo-ed “Hannity & Colmes.” Fueled by Hannity’s snarky wisdom and dapper appearance, I would pour my Red Bull right into my Starbucks double espresso as I parked neatly in my reserved parking spot at work. Public transportation? Please, let the peasants ride that industrial caterpillar of disease. They should have worked harder. After a day’s work on the trading floor/high rise/position of power and wealth, I’d blast Nickelback on my way home and shout at my secretary to change next morning’s meeting to 11 because I have to squeeze in a couple rounds with the boys before “office dominance,” as I like to call it. Once home I’d slam another Red Bull, steam my pastel collar and hit the clubs to get my dance on. Lather, rinse, and repeat — for 30 days. Ugh, that made me feel so dirty. Obama ’08! (There, I feel better).

∫ Rich Rodriguez spends 30 days in Morgantown — Oh, that idea gets better, trust me. His address, by agreement, must be published and for the 30 he would take visitors daily from nine to five. Obviously the police would have to have a solid presence, but nonetheless he lets all those disgruntled WVU fans air their grievances properly — at point blank yelling range.

∫ Senators Clinton and Obama have to campaign for each other — That’s right, I said it. Both Sen. Obama and Clinton have to hit the campaign trail for each other, genuinely and with love. For years now it seems, both candidates have gone back and forth at each other’s throats attempting to dismantle the other’s campaigns and I believe that it should now be time for a little bit of a curveball. They would present the other person’s issues with fervor and strength.

Even though by now the race looks to go in Obama’s favor, this would be a nice experiment for every race on every level. It’s time our politicians started being better men and women.

Contact Ben at bspanner@graffitiwv.com