The Top 5 — Reasons Why Summer is …
Winter has that old man stank. Autumn is wrapped in all of your sweaters. Spring is like a child, fun to watch experience new things but not mature enough to understand you. But summer … oh summer, how everyone has missed you. Like the smell of a new car or the warm barefoot through sand, summer is the apex of fresh debauchery and familiar decadence. If you don’t know why already, let me help refresh your memory.
5 It’s hot — That’ right. Simple and easy. Summer is hot as h-e-double-hockey-sticks … and we love it. Sure, one day we may come home dripping in our own sweat, trying to shed our natural viscosity like a snake skin as we nearly break the plastic knob off the air conditioner as we crank it up. Sure, we’ll plop down on that old leather arm chair in our undershorts and stick stubbornly to the sides of the armrest with our maple syrup sweaty arms. But, let’s face it; there’s a part of us that loves it. Just loves it. T-shirts in the evening when you’re walking to the market, a porch or stoop that we haven’t really been able to utilize yet, and the glorious resurrection of Klondikes, ice cream cookie sandwiches and the popsicle variety pack. Unfortunately for girls, sweating guys aren’t as attractive as “glistening” gals, but nonetheless, summer still holds its sexy champion title.
4 Less clothing — As the subsequent point to No. 5, summer is the time when we get to tear away those clothes that have acted like heating straightjackets for the last couple months. T-shirts, skirts, shorts, they all get to come out and you know what that means … flirting. But hold on a second, let me set the scene. It happens like this all the time. You roll out of bed to go to class/work, and there before you are people with skin showing. Whether it’s guys in tight shirts or girls with sun dresses, they’re there and they’re everywhere. Meanwhile, you have a sweatshirt on because you didn’t get the memo. So what? You miss out on opening day. The next day you’re ready and saying hello to everyone you can, flirting like a machine.
3 Movies — Nothing, I repeat, nothing is better than going to that 10 o’clock show opening night in the summer. The sky is clear when you go in and clear when you come out and our movies choices couldn’t be any hotter. You’ve got the resurgent Robert Downey Jr. in “Iron Man,” the heartthrob babe magnet Christian Bale in “The Dark Knight,” and Edward “I’m So Awesome I Beat Myself Up In Fight Club” Norton starring in the remake of “The Incredible Hulk.” And that’s just the men of the silver screen. This summer and this summer alone we get to see Cate Blanchett decked out in creepy gray masculine Russian post WWII gear … OK, the screenshots we’ve seen make her look like a creepsta’, but we’ve got Liv Tyler in “Hulk” so take that!
2 Concerts — Summer is a great time to jump in the van, roll down the windows and scream down the highway with some friends toward a blowout concert. Half the fun, as you might have guessed is the actual road trip to whichever festival or concert you’re heading to. With iconic music acts like Bonnaroo, the Pitchfork Music Festival, All Good Music Festival or whatever multi-stage band assortments, summer is the time to do it. Hell, even Jimmy Buffett concerts will treat you right if you gather a bunch of people, some van-like structure, and a bunch of booze.
1 Bodies of water — Listen, whoever tells you they don’t like the ocean is either lying or borderline psychotic. The rolling waves, the peaceful nature and the sun are a trifecta of Americana and natural bliss rivaled by few and topped by none. Granted, I can’t swim and I burn like a potato chip on a blistering stovetop, but I love the ocean. Furthermore, there is no place else in the world where guys can gawk at girls and girls can gawk like guys. Sand volleyball is never really a sport, shouldering chicken fights is always a win-win situation, and there has to be a God because he designed our arms to never be able to reach our back with sunscreen (i.e. instant girl touching you massage/“awkward situation with your guy friends”). So, whatever your fancy, be it oceans, lakes or that flimsy kiddy pool you plop in your front lawn while you slam a couple cold ones, bodies of water cannot and will not be beaten.
Contact Ben at firstname.lastname@example.org