The Top Five Mustachioed Mascots
5 The Ole Miss Rebel — I don’t know what’s worse, getting to the semifinals of the NIT and losing to a mediocre Ohio State team, or having to endure an entire football game with this guy on the sidelines. We get it, he looks like Colonel Sanders, and therefore he must be a rebel. This is the main reason I’m glad I don’t go to college in the South. I guess it could be worse. At least he’s not donning a pointy white sheet.
4 The USC Trojan — As if losing to Kansas State in the first round of the NCAAs wasn’t enough. I can’t help but say it: this guy doesn’t even attempt to get the job done. His uniform looks like it was purchased in the Halloween section of Rite-Aid. And what’s really sad is that the mustache is an ephemeral aspect of the attire. Sometimes it’s there, sometimes it’s not. They should just let O.J. Mayo do the honors—his pre-pubescent half-’stashe rocks the house.
3 The West Virginia Mountaineer — OK, this is an unofficial pick considering the Mountaineer’s signature has always been a big, bushy beard. But facial hair is facial hair. How could one of the most misunderstood and beloved mascots not make it into this list? I wish there were more political cartoons featuring mascots. A perfect example of my new fascination, and to show how WVU got the best of Pitt this year, would be to show a triumphant Mountaineer with his crosshairs centered on a sleeping Panther. Cause there was definitely a lot of sleeping panthers at the Coliseum this year.
2 The Pringles Guy — An obvious stretch, but who doesn’t love Pringles? What’s more important, sideline entertainment or the sweet taste of salty sustenance? I buy mine for 99 cents at Dollar General. Anywhere else they’re like $2 of $3, and man, I can’t afford that. My favorite flavor is the somewhat new jalapeno.
1 Winner: UNLV’s Hey Reb — Hey, Reb is a man in a league with pansies. He’s the real deal. His costume exudes a Jim Henson-like quality that cannot be ignored, as if the suit were actually stitched into his skin. And have you seen the mustache? I mean, look at the size of that thing! Doesn’t he need a permit for that? Seriously, Hey Reb haunts the dreams of many fans of the Mid-American Conference. Having made the All-America Mascot Team multiple times, he needs no introduction. He’s simply the best. Could you imagine being cornered in a dark alley by this man? Terrifying.
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