Here at Graffiti, we want to give our readers an opportunity to get involved. We want to help them grow and mature as cultural entrepreneurs, life gurus and overall well-rounded human-beings.

In doing so, we wanted to have a dedicated segment to answering your life questions (problems, girls/guys, school, work, etc.) where we would provide intelligent discourse for you and your dilemmas. Now since we don’t have anyone who could do that, here’s Ben — not even a year out of college –whose life revolves around endless existential crises and multiple levels of uncertainty. Enjoy.

Dear College Kid Who Doesn’t Know Anything

Due to the subprime mortgage crisis that manifested itself through liquidity problems in the national banking cityscape leading to record foreclosures, the United States’ housing bubble burst and adjustable rate mortgages (ARM) applied to higher-risk borrowers.

What’s up with that?

Thanks,

Mr. Troubled Economy

Dear Mr. Troubled Economy,

I have no idea what the hell just happened. I read your question, internalized it and suddenly I woke up face down on my desk. However, I did indeed get a chance to read it again as I regained consciousness and I have some words of wisdom for you.

Find a girl.

There are things in life you can do something about (your personal hygiene, how you treat people, what you eat), and there are things you can’t control (family, gas prices and most importantly, the economy). I mean, I can’t tell you the time I’ve spent worrying about the U.S.’s waning dollar (only about five minutes), but I can tell you how long I’ve spent worrying about girls (around 11-12 years ago, or whenever I hit puberty, and no that wasn’t “two days ago,” Justin).

Take it from Max Fischer in the film “Rushmore” — “I should probably be trying harder to score with chicks … that’s the only thing anybody really cares about.”

That being said, you’ve got to boil down your life to things that matter the most. What’s a lot of wealth going to give you that the sweet sweet love of a woman can’t? If you replied to that answer with something like, “An amazing house, financial security, travel money, debt repayment, etc.,” then I’d have to give it to you — you’re probably an asshole. But for the rest of the guys out there, you know what I’m talking about.

So now that I’ve conquered this mental block of yours Mr. Troubled Economy, let’s move on to the practical; how to actually get the girl.

You could try an old school approach. Slink into an unbridled hot spot, flip up the pronounced leather collar on your biker’s jacket and jab the plastic paneling on the jukebox near the wall. That always worked for É OK, it only worked for The Fonz and that might or might not have been a fictional TV show (my sources are checking on that one).

Let’s see if this is more your style. I hear the Internet dating Web services are booming these days. Log on to one of them (Eharmony, match.com, etc.) and upload your information. Make sure to include vital physical statistics like your height (6’3′), your weight (180) and your total body fat (0 percent). While these may not be true, you’re sure to get some responses — that is, until you meet and she realizes you’re actually not that tall or drive a Porsche. Yea, bad idea.

I mean, you can always try being yourself and É aw what do I know? I’m just a young kid whose opinions are worthless and unconstructive. You shouldn’t even be listening to me. Look at this world today! Our economy is in the tanks, no one can get a mortgage on their house and our deficit is plummeting to an almost certain doom! Run! Save yourself! Let’s go to Canada where the healthcare flows like wine and you can speak broken French all day! This isn’t worth the headache and the anxiety! Our economy is a broken mess and there’s nothing we can do about it! Who will stop this fiscal carnage? Why isn’t this stimulus package working? What’s going on?!?

Your friend,

College Kid Who Doesn’t Know Anything