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Top 5: St. Patrick’s Day is the Best Holiday

By Staff | Mar 11, 2008

5. It’s Healthier! Benjamin Franklin once wrote, “In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.” It just so happens that in a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have proved if you drink one liter of water each day, at the end of the year you would have absorbed more than one kilo (ONE KILO) of Escherichia coli (E. COLI) — the same bacteria found in fecal matter. Yes, that’s poop. However, with beer and wine, alcohol has to go through purification, boiling, filtering and/or fermenting before you ingest it. So, to summate, water is poop and beer and wine are healthy. It’s better to drink beer and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

4. Everyone’s Irish! That’s right, it doesn’t matter if you are black, white, Jewish or reptile, every person in the bar and on the street is Irish. Just throw on some green and start walking around like every other idiot saying things like, “Top o’ the mornin’ to ya’” or the old time favorite, “Got ta’ find me lucky charms!” Just a word of the wise to any person who believes these verbal crimes will go unpunished: if you’re walking out of the pub and you doft your hat and say one of those things to a person who’s actually Irish, you’ll probably get your ass beat. Trust me, I’m Irish and every time someone looks at the red hair and says stuff like, “Where’s dat pot o’ gold?” I usually reach deep down in my heart and do the most Irish thing possible: 1) result to physical violence or 2) bury that hate deep down in my psychosis so that no person can touch it and then let it out in bursts of anger and rage the likes Earth and God have never seen.

3. “I think you’ve had enough” turns into “Beer! Booya!” St. Patrick’s Day has, and always will be, a day filled with booze and debauchery. This infamous day probably holds claim to the highest percentages of bad decisions made and regrets established. Guinness sales go through the roof and green dye is actually sold to people who aren’t making birthday cakes. Better yet, the bars are filled with the most eclectic group of emotions possible. Heck, just last year I saw the same guy cry into his beer one second and then laugh and pat his mate on the back the next. This holiday makes it OK to drown your sorrows or become elated with good tidings. Just make sure you stray further towards the good tidings.

2. Red hair finally becomes cool, or at least kind of … aw shut up! What do you normal hair people know anyway!? Aw see? I said you were normal! This vernacular has been beaten into my brain so many times even I, a red head for life, have taken to ostracizing myself from others! Oh and now because I’m Irish and have red hair all of a sudden I’m fiery and constantly yelling?!? I never yell! Do you hear me?!! These stereotypes have gone too far!! GOSH, THIS MAKES ME JUST WANT TO SCREAM! AHHHHHH!!!!!! OK, point taken.

1.  Leprechauns! Look, I’m highly aware that actual leprechauns don’t exist. But, to see them everywhere is kind of creepy/awesome. T-shirts, banners, flyers; you name it the leprechauns are on it. Now the only downside, of course, is the actual movie “The Leprechaun.” It’s a bit of a freak show. But normally leprechauns are jolly and happy and downright good guys. In fact, if you drink enough pints of lager, I’m told you can actually see one. Well, it’s either that or the inside of a drunk tank. Either way, Happy St. Paddy’s!

Contact Ben at bspanner@graffitiwv.com