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Weight loss for superheroes in 2020? Fat chance

By Staff | Jan 29, 2020

One of Stan Lee’s legacies with Marvel Comics was making characters relatable.

The Fantastic Four were a family and fought like one. Spider-Man had money troubles. The Hulk had anger management issues. Thor needed to hold on to his hammer or turn back into a human doctor with an injured leg.

OK, so superheroes don’t always have the same problems as you and me.

Take weight loss. It’s always one of the most popular New Year’s resolutions, but very few heroes, or villains, really need to do it. Many of them wear costumes so form-fitting they wouldn’t have anywhere else to store a few extra pounds.

The, ah, huskier comic book characters out there usually have a reason for it. For the Blob, it’s his mutant power. And that time he lost it, well, he still had a lot of skin, so it didn’t really work out for him. The Kingpin uses his size to intimidate people (even if you don’t buy that “it’s really all muscle” line he peddles).

And Bouncing Boy probably wouldn’t bounce so well without a little additional junk in his 30th century trunk.

In other words, the following list of New Year’s resolutions for comic book characters won’t include losing weight or staying in shape. And that’s one less introductory mechanism I’ll have to choose from next year.

* Mister Miracle – Make sure my contract for the “New Gods” movie has a foolproof escape clause.

* Gambit – Get gambling legalized on Krakoa.

* Wonder Woman – Read George Orwell’s “1984.”

* Conan – Buy all the trades Marvel releases of my newest appearances before they lose my rights again.

* Flash – Take up the salmon ladder. With “Arrow” done, someone has to make sure the CW remains the AB-solute best.

* Black Widow – Gross more than the new Bond movie.

* Doctor Manhattan – Pull strings on Marvel continuity next. Maybe I could start some sort of war? Only it’s a secret?

* Thor – Have Rocket program my Fitbit.

* Rick Grimes – Figure out how all these other comic book characters come back from the dead.

* Ikaris – Ask the Guardians of the Galaxy how to deal with being relevant after years of obscurity.

* Superman – May as well try contacts now.

* Kingpin – Congratulate Scorsese and Coppola for taking those so-called superheroes down a peg.

* Wally West – Quit framing people for deaths I cause.

* Venom – Floss regularly.

* Harley Quinn – Stalk Jaquin Phoenix.

* Beta Ray Bill – Quit horsing around.

* Green Lantern – Convince other Corps members to join me in taking the Lip Synch Challenge and do Beyonce’s “Single Ladies.”

* Thanos – Get another glove.

* Batman – Find out if Jarvis is happy with the Avengers or maybe looking for a change in careers. And universes.

Evan Bevins is the writer of the webcomic “Support Group.”