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Resolutions? Don’t be so hard on yourself

By Staff | Jan 29, 2020

As 2020 looms before us like Barbara Walters and her nearer-to-God hair, I started thinking about New Year’s Resolutions and where they began. Who made up this archaic system of “Well the holidays were fun, but January is gonna bite the big one so let’s set up unrealistic goals to make sure each year starts off with disappointment and misery instead of lingering joy from days gone by!”? I’m paraphrasing, but you get the point.

Turns out we have the ancient Babylonians to thank for our Januarys being about as much fun as a Novocain-less root canal (trust me, I’ve had one, it’s not joyful, but is easily comparable). 4,000 years ago the Bab’s (that’s what I call them Babs) were sitting around and talking and decided that they would start celebrating the dawn of a new year each year and make resolutions for the coming days.

However, this celebration was held in mid-March so it’s no wonder the rest of the world is destined to be a confused and battered mess considering we are trying to broach the subject a good three months before our ancient counterparts did!

This year, instead of sitting down with Carson Daly and painstakingly making out a list including the usual (eat better, write a novel, lose 20 pounds, stop biting my nails, and learn to love yogurt it’s sad pudding ya’ll. Sad. Pudding), maybe I should make a list of resolutions of things I already do that will rock its way into the year of 2020.

Instead of “eat better and lose 20 pounds,” I shall, instead, start my list off with “continue to not eat 20 cookies in one sitting even though you really feel that Toll House Tingle. And maybe instead of “learn to love yogurt” I can write “Jamie Lee Curtis is not the boss of me and Activia is still sad pudding” because, let’s face it, that stuff it one step above edible glitter slime. Come to think of it, if Jamie popped up on my TV talking about my gut health and then said “and it now comes with glitter” I probably would be the first in line at Kroger, throwing elbows. That’s just the kind of girl I am.

Sparkles aside, when I asked some of my social media friends and foes (you know who you are) about their resolutions, I either got responses that not even Dan Brown himself could decipher with the aid of DaVinci or an e-sighing-laden response of “the same thing I do every year and break immediately.” Which leads me to believe that our new New Year’s Resolutions need some updating.

This year, let’s all resolve to make things better, not worse, on ourselves. Or to at least wait until mid-March to demand much of our holly-jolly bodies, still warm from the foods of holidays past. This year, our resolution is to be resolute about making attainable resolutions! And to maybe learn how to knit. Because everyone needs socks, right?