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The Sunny Side of Anthropogenic Global Warming

By Staff | Apr 29, 2015

Over the past decade, manmade global warming, or AGW, has become our culpable cultural credo. All too often, we only focus on the negative side of this much maligned malady. But as we all know, every dark cloud has a silver lining. Global warming is no exception. If there wasn’t a humorous angle, I’d have nothing to write about. I’d just be sitting here, waiting for the next ice age prediction like the one we barely survived in the ’70s. So lighten up, it’s not the end of the world.

For years scientists have wrongfully claimed AGW will cause a rise in hurricanes. A new study in the journal Geophysical Research Letters says warmer temperatures will actually decrease the amount of hurricanes each year. Unless you live under a rock, we all know the 700 Club’s Pat Robertson said hurricanes are caused by homosexuals. So take a deep breath, gays, here’s your upside. Fewer hurricanes equal less homophobic finger-pointing.

And we get more summer. That means less men die shoveling snow. Less broken hips and car crashes on the ice. See, it’s looking better already.

Increased temperatures and CO2 levels mean plants will grow like wildfire. Overdosing on CO2 smells like teen spirit and free fertilizer to plants. Longer growing seasons means more food. And who isn’t for more food? We are the fattest nation on earth and this is ‘merica, by God; we want to retain that title!

Rising CO2 makes poppies’ potency proliferate at a freakishly high rate. Heroin strength has doubled since the 1950s. It will triple by 2050 and be 4.5 more potent by 2090! Amy Winehouse and Mikey Welsh would have written a hit song with this news.

Global warming could spell the end of boring baseball. The Kansas City Royals, one of the most losing teams in the sport, made it to the World Series last year. If that’s not a sign of seven horsemen and coming apocalypse, AGW may well be. The ash tree is more affected by global warming that any other plant. Baseball bats are made exclusively from ash. You do the math.

Melting polar ice caps will have a tremendous positive effect. Droughts suffered in California will be gone. Hell, California will be gone and who wouldn’t like to see that? Florida, George Zimmerman and all the goofy crime stories that come out of that state – gone. All the way up to my Pensacola condo, which is the only part of the state I care about anyway. And how much better would elections be without having to count Florida’s vote?

No more confusion over, “Is Iceland green and Greenland’s covered with ice, or is it the other way around?” Doesn’t matter, both will be underwater.

And the big winner is, grinning ear to ear, the inventor of the Internet, Al Gore. His pet project, AGW, has taken him from abject poverty to vacation home mogul. If there ever was a guy who could find the silver lining, it’s Al. His financials released before the 2000 election stated a net worth of $1 – $2 million, barely enough to get by. But promoting the destructive power of global warming has given him cribs in Nashville, Virginia, a condo at the St. Regis hotel in San Francisco and his newest acquisition, a $6 million oceanfront spread with the carbon footprint of a small town. AGW has increased his net worth to over $100 million.

It’s all about context; global warming can be our friend. If it gets too hot, go sit in the shade. Just not under an ash tree.

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