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A New Year’s reboot? Comic characters look to be better in 2018

By Staff | Nov 29, 2017

Fresh starts are all the rage in comics.

Series, characters, storylines and more are constantly restarted, rebooted and revamped. DC’s done it twice in the last seven years, and Marvel did it once. Even Marvel’s Legacy initiative, which reverts back to triple-digit numbering on many series, offers new jumping-on points for readers.

So you’d think comic book characters would be inclined toward making New Year’s resolutions. At least, I hope you would, otherwise this column about New Year’s resolutions for comic book characters is going to be hard to swallow.

* Moon Knight – Pitch a semi-autobiographical, will-they-or-won’t-they workplace dramedy to Netflix. Working title: “MoonKnighting.”

* Shazam – Buy up all the DVD and Blu ray seasons of “Chuck” I can find, autograph them and sell them on eBay.

* Kang the Conqueror – See what I do really well in 2018, then travel back to the start of the year and make a resolution to do that.

* Aquaman – Remember to wait at least 30 minutes after eating before going on land.

* Iron Man – Keep easy to access notes when I’m experimenting on myself so that if I fall into a mysterious coma while fighting a superhero civil war, somebody will know what to do.

* The Tick – See if Wonder Woman wants to team up. Wouldn’t be the first time I’ve had good luck with an Amazon partnership.

* Punisher – Don’t wait ’til the last minute to renew my concealed carry license.

* Poison Ivy – Move to Colorado and start a dispensary. Batman hassles me for that kind of thing in Gotham.

* Rocket – Go to Earth and track down this Ranger Rick character. Guy’s stealing my look!

* Starro the Conqueror – Rebrand. Maybe “Starro, Hugger of Faces” would soften my image and cut down on resistance to the conquering.

* Thanos – Get Cate Blanchett’s number.

* Wonder Woman – Invite some women into the movie version of the League (even if my options thus far are limited to Lois Lane and Harley Quinn).

* Ghost Rider – Fine tune my Ponch from “C.H.i.P.s” cosplay.

* Darkseid – Find out why all these guys in Star Wars talk about coming over to my place but never show. I’ve wasted a lot of fondue!

* Korg – Print more pamphlets for the next revolution.

* Batman – Get another sidekick. It’s been a while since someone joined my solitary quest. Plus, we’ve almost got enough people to join the Gotham Intramural Softball League.

* Spider-Man – Mention Uncle Ben in the next movie.

* Commissioner Gordon – Get Arkham to let Sportsmaster do some community service for the department, so he can help us beat Batman’s softball team.

* Deadpool – Find out how they brought Coulson back for “Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.” Asking for a friend.

Evan Bevins is the writer of the webcomic “Support Group.”