homepage logo

Resolutions: Super-improvements for 2017

By Staff | Nov 30, 2016

Cover of “Doctor Strange Vol. 1: The Way of the Weird”

Comic book characters are in the spotlight like never before, on TV, in movies and, still, in actual comic books.

With so many eyes on them, these characters might feel the pressure to improve themselves. And what better time to do that than the start of a new year?

So here are resolutions some of your favorite or least favorite characters might make for 2017.

* Doctor Strange – Remind people I’m a doctor. I’m not sure the message came across in the movie.

* Lex Luthor – Invent the world’s most powerful toupee. Use it to take over the world.

* Daredevil – With Captain America, Thor, the Hulk, Wolverine and the Wasp replaced by newer models, start planning my retirement.

* Geo-Force – Make Markovia great again.

* Spider-Man – Stick around another year. Get it? “Stick” around?

* Batman – Sell ad space on the Bat-signal. Even Bruce Wayne’s fortune only goes so far.

* Black Bolt – Join Twitter. It may be hard to condense my feelings to 140 characters, but it beats just saying what’s on my mind and blowing stuff up.

* Harley Quinn – Start a charity to promote tolerance for clowns. Steal the donations and go to the Bahamas.

* Cable – Give myself a lighter image by rolling out a new catch phrase: “Bodyslide by FUN!”

* Atom – Just go ahead and step on a butterfly. It can’t possibly screw up the timeline more than we have on “Legends of Tomorrow.”

* Ghost Rider – Join AAA.

* Martian Manhunter – Telepathically manipulate Hall and Oates into re-recording their classic “Maneater” as “Martian Manhunter.” (“Who-oa, here he comes/Watch out bad guys, he’ll read your mind”)

* Iron Man – Stop picking fights that mushroom into superhero Civil Wars. Unless sales are down.

* Flash – Direct my own movie. Not only will it get the film back on track, we’ll finish early.

* Howard the Duck – Join the Avengers. I bet they have good insurance, and who aren’t they letting in these days?

* The Comedian – Quit leaving blood-stained smiley face buttons in the Batcave, causing “Watchmen” to get blamed for the current dark state of comics.

* Thor – Next time I’m considering defying my father and giving up my birthright for a woman, make sure she’s at least going to stick around for the third movie.

* Wonder Woman – Confess to the rest of the Justice League: There never was an Invisible Jet. I just flew sitting down, and Superman totally bought it.

* Captain America – After everybody freaked out about me saying “Hail Hydra,” make sure no one finds out about my memberships in A.I.M., Kickers Inc. and the Fruit of the Month Club.

Evan Bevins is the writer of the webcomic “Support Group.”