Superhuman resolve: Comic book resolutions for 2016
There was a time when it seemed superheroes could do no wrong.
But over the years, the characters began to be portrayed as more human, flawed individuals, making mistakes like magically altering villains minds to try and make them behave, taking over a clan of assassin ninjas or not telling anybody the multiverse was on the verge of ending until they read about it in Marvel’s solicitations for “Secret Wars.”
The point is, even superheroes can use a little self-improvement. Now’s the time when people start looking ahead to the resolutions they hope will make them a better person, vigilante, guardian of the galaxy, dark knight, etc. in 2016.
– Deadpool – Appear in more comics per month than Spider-Man, the Punisher and Wolverine combined in the ’90s.
– Martian Manhunter – Get back on the main Justice League team before the script’s turned in for the movie.
– Spider-Man (Peter Parker) – See if Miles Morales and Miguel O’Hara will consider using codenames other than “Spider-Man” since we’re all in the same reality now.
– Power Girl – Start wearing turtlenecks.
– Black Widow – Stop dating fellow Avengers, lest the team’s name be accurately changed to the “Ex-Men.”
– Dick Grayson – Next time I’m presumed dead, take a vacation instead of letting Batman talk me into going undercover at a shady covert organization.
– Hawkeye – Stop dating fellow Avengers, lest the team’s name be accurately changed to the “Ex-Women.”
– Hourman – Develop a Miraclo pill that lasts an hour and five minutes, lulling opponents into a false sense of security.
– Kitty Pryde – If things don’t work out with Star-Lord, go on a date with a guy whose first name is not Peter, just to shake things up.
– Aquaman – Start working out. Jason Momoa’s going to make me look bad!
– Juggernaut – Sure, nothing can stop me. But maybe sometimes I need to give myself permission to stop, take a deep breath and think.
– Riddler – Steal something – a book, some flowers, a candy bar, anything – without claiming responsibility for it by leaving a freakin’ riddle!
– Quake – Change my ringtone before my fellow S.H.I.E.L.D. agents find out it’s “Shake It Off.”
– Booster Gold – Stop using my knowledge of the future to win the Justice League’s fantasy football pool. I think Batman’s on to me.
– Puck – Convince Marvel to give Alpha Flight another chance. Fifth time’s the charm, eh?
– John Constantine – After successful “Arrow” appearance, guest star on “Flash,” “Legends of Tomorrow,” “Gotham,” “Supergirl” and “iZombie” until everybody forgets my show was even canceled.
– Winter Soldier – Have laser surgery to remove the Confederate flag tattoo I got after completely misunderstanding the point of the upcoming “Captain America: Civil War” movie.
– Superman – Get my identity genie back in the bottle. I’m going to have to super-kiss a LOT of people.
– Doctor Doom – Congratulate the movie-going public and enraged online fans for accomplishing what Doom never could – stopping the Fantastic Four. Then, destroy said public and fans for denying Doom his rightful victory!
Evan Bevins is the writer of the
webcomic Support Group, www.supportgroupcomic.com.