More comic characters’ New Year’s resolutions
A year has passed since the last time I provided you with a list of New Year’s resolutions comic book characters might make.
In the comics themselves, it’s been much less than a year, or possibly more, or possibly both given the preponderance of time-traveling, no matter how many times Marvel says any more could destroy the space-time continuum.
(Apparently, the Hulk fixed all that by punching time. Really. And Mark Waid wrote it, so it was awesome.)
Regardless, because it’s easier than coming up with a new idea, here are a few more resolutions some of your favorite characters – and some you maybe haven’t heard of – might be making as they look toward 2015.
* Zatanna – !gnikoms tiuQ
* Mystique – Convince people I’m not just another pretty face. And another. And another. And another…
* Thor – Install more unisex bathrooms in Asgard.
* Flash – Take time to stop and smell the roses. All the roses in Central City. In less than a minute.
* Major Victory – Go back in time and convince James Gunn to put me in “Guardians of the Galaxy 2.”
* Madame Xanadu – Why bother? I can see the future and know I won’t keep any past Jan. 23.
* Dazzler – Cross over to country.
* Swamp Thing – Visit thesaurus.com in an effort to improve my self-image with a more uplifting codename. Maybe Marshland Corporeality? Everglade Person? Hmm, the possibilities are… interminable.
* Cable – Look into getting satellite.
* Atom – Publicly oppose Marvel’s “Ant-Man” movie; secretly hope it does so well Warner Bros. will greenlight a film for me.
* Captain America – Get the national bird changed to the falcon.
* Hellboy – Make people call me Hellman. I’m almost 70 years old!
* Quicksilver – Be as awesome in “Avengers: Age of Ultron” as I was in “X-Men: Days of Future Past.”
* Green Lantern – Try to go two consecutive storylines without a planet being destroyed.
* The Collector – Put some of my stuff on eBay.
* John Constantine – Lobby NBC for a guest-starring gig on “The Voice.”
* Wolverine – When I inevitably come back from the dead, take it easy and only appear in five or six comics a month.
* Bouncing Boy – Push for a grim and gritty reboot.
* Deadpool – Get Ryan Reynolds to hook me up with a Green Lantern ring.
* Etrigan the Demon – Convince DC that it is time for me to stop speaking in rhyme.
* Hulk – See what else Hulk can fix with punching. Windows 8? Polar vortex? Congress? Sky is Hulk’s limit. Unless… Hulk punches sky!
Evan Bevins is the writer of the webcomic Support Group, which can be found at www.supportgroupcomic.com