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Superhero hook-ups we’d like to see happen

By Staff | Jan 31, 2013

If you take away the garish costumes and journeys into space, comics aren’t very far removed from soap operas.

Superman and Wonder Woman locking lips in a recent issue of “Justice League” drew national media attention. Believe it or not, outside of some alternate timelines and imaginary stories, they’ve never been an item in the main continuity. DC’s sort-of reboot with the New 52 nixed Superman ‘s marriage, leaving the door open for him and Wonder Woman to become more than Super Friends.

In the spirit of long-time characters getting together, in this month’s column, I’m playing matchmaker for some other super types.

Superior Spider-Man and Emma Frost

(Spider-Man and X-Men spoilers ahead)

Quick recap: Recently the dying Dr. Octopus switched bodies with Spider-Man, and Doc Ock’s body really expired, but not before the soon-to-be-late Peter Parker convinced his nemesis to carry on the wall-crawler’s work. Now Doc-Ock-as-Peter is arrogantly trying to prove he can be the “superior” Spider-Man.

Meanwhile, Emma Frost went from being the White Queen of the Hellfire Club to a pillar of the X-Men, but that never fully softened her stance that she’s better than you and most anyone else. In the wake of Avengers vs. X-Men, she’s newly single.

I figure the new Spidey can admire a gorgeous woman who’s as sure of herself and driven (and arrogant) as himself. Bonus, since she’s a telepath, he won’t have to worry about hiding his secret from her.

Zatanna and the Flash

Zatanna, the backwards-spell-casting mage known as much for her fishnets as her hocus pocus, likely never will swing off into the Bat signal with Bruce Wayne. In Grant Morrison’s “Seven Soldiers” series from a few years back, her drunken attempts to conjure the perfect man almost ended the world. So we know she’s looking. With all the crazy stuff Zatanna faces, she could use a guy who’s pretty down to Earth but also not likely to lose his lunch, or his sanity, should her world intrude upon his.

Despite being the fastest man alive, Barry Allen, aka the Flash, is extremely deliberate and in control (except for when he, you know, rewrote history by going back in time to take out his arch-nemesis). He deals with some pretty wild stuff and is a charter member of the Justice League, so he could handle Zee’s eldritch baggage.

Thor and Storm

He’s the Norse god of thunder with the power to control weather, thanks to a really big hammer that can also be used to hit stuff really hard. She’s a mutant with weather-controlling powers who was worshipped as a goddess and takes no crap from anybody.

During my minutes of research for this article, I learned these two have dated in the “Marvel Adventures Avengers” book, but that’s not mainline continuity, so I’m still using it. Storm’s marriage was just annulled, and Thor, in some future timelines, is married to the villainous Enchantress, so he definitely needs to meet new people.

Poison Ivy and Swamp Thing

Swamp Thing is a plant who used to be a man, or thought he was a man, or was a plant then a man then both. But that doesn’t mean he’s got no game, as his hallucinogenic makeout session with Heather Locklear in 1989’s “The Return of Swamp Thing” demonstrated.

Poison Ivy is a Batman villain who values plant life over human life, but still, much to her dismay, is fauna, not flora. Frankly I’m a little surprised the Dark Knight (or at least Plastic Man) hasn’t set them up already.

Evan Bevins is the writer of the webcomic Support Group, www.supportgroupcomic.com.