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The sport of football and the rise of the Autumnal equinox

July 28, 2010
By Ben H. Moffat and Benjamin S. Spanner

I was having this argument a couple of weeks ago. I told my friend I was sick of people putting down sports.

I was sick of hip people thinking they were smarter or better just because they would act aloof whenever I mentioned sports.

It got me really frustrated.

It got me really frustrated because I don’t think there’s any difference between literature, TV, music and sports. You can take them at the surface or you can appreciate them because there really is beauty and artistic merit to all of those. 

For example, I can read “The Stranger” and think it’s about some guy who shoots someone on a beach just like you can watch football and say it’s about a bunch of guys trying to hit each other as hard as they can.    

What people are so uncomfortable with is the fact that there’s artistic merit and beauty everywhere and it’s in Camus, it’s in Van Gogh, it’s in Bob Dylan, and it’s also in the Black 41 Flash Reverse Pass. Life is too short to be another person who is so hung up on being intellectual that they miss some of the best parts of what little time we have on this earth.

I was afraid to say it before but football season is a great season. I’m not totally sold that it’s better than opening day of baseball, but it’s close. Shit, I’m getting all teary-eyed just thinking about it.

Yet here we stand on the cusp of another great football season and on the edge of the Autumnal equinox. It’s going to be exciting and I know you’re looking forward to it because I am. 

So, crack open a Budweiser if you can, give your younger brother a deadleg, and steal the best seat in the house, cause we’re so close.

Here we go … the predictions, such as they are. 

AFC EAST
• Buffalo Bills: The 1991-94 Bills team is responsible for me being as jaded as I am today and rumor has it they’ve been rebuilding ever since that metaphysical collapse.

Jim Kelly, come back to me. (5-11)

• Dolphins: I don’t know whether it’s my anger over Lebron James going to Miami or the fact that there is just no way I can respect a team whose colors are turquoise and orange. Also having two quarterbacks named Chad doesn’t help their cause either.

P.S. Finkle is Einhorn. Sell your season tickets. (6-10)

• New England Patriots: Shut up, Tom. (12-4)

• New York Jets: The New York Jets are still waiting for Lebron James to call. (7-9)

AFC WEST
• Denver Broncos: Broncos defensive line is so bad not even Tim Tebow’s mom can save him. Boom! Roasted. (9-7)

• Kansas City Chiefs: Matt Cassel’s made of sand and all sand castles fall into the sea, eventually. (1-15)

• Oakland Raiders: I couldn’t remember if they were playing in Oakland or L.A. By the way they’re still playing on a baseball field. (8-8)

• San Diego Chargers: Philip Rivers throws 36 touchdowns and leads his team on a late run only to lose in the first round of the playoffs. (12-4)

AFC NORTH
• Cleveland Browns: I don’t know whether to make a Jake Delhomme joke or a Shaun Rogers joke. (6-10)

• Cincinnati Bengals: What do the Bengals and elementary schools have in common on Sunday? No class. (Ocho - 16)

• Baltimore Ravens: Ray Lewis is a fine individual … please don’t hurt me. (12-4)

• Pittsburgh Steelers: "The sun wasn't up, But it wasn't technically the middle of the night." -Mike Tomlin

(10-6,0-6 without Big Ben)

AFC SOUTH
• Houston Texans: According to Wikipedia, “The Texans are the only existing team in the four major professional sports leagues that have yet to play in the postseason.” That’s what you get when you try to screw Cleveland from getting The Browns back; you become Cleveland by association. (7-9)

• Indianapolis Colts: Peyton, take your 3D glasses off, you didn’t win the Superbowl. Chances of a break-through in stem cell research vs. chances of Colts winning the super bowl this year … push. (12-4)     

• Jacksonville Jaguars: Are they still a team? It’s not good when the biggest news about your team is that they may be going to Los Angeles.  (3-13)

• Tennessee Titans: You are the Oilers. Re-sign Warren Moon, go back to Houston, and stop pretending. (4-12) 

NFC EAST
• Dallas Cowboys: Tony Romo, which girlfriend or trip to Vegas will ruin the team this season?

Did I say girlfriend? I meant playoff interception.

I’m sorry, did I say playoffs? I meant off-season. (6-10)

• New York Giants: The Giants will probably start off well but they’ll go to a nightclub wearing sweat pants and end up shooting themselves with an unregistered handgun. This means per usual they’ll get in as a Wild Card and lose in the first round of the playoffs. 

Sidenote: Eli wants to be traded to the Chargers. He says he’s sorry … so sorry.

Sidenote-Sidenote: Coughlin is still waiting for Lebron to call. (12-4)

• Philadelphia Eagles: Bring back T.O. I’ve always wanted to see a team go supernova and collapse in on itself like a dying star. (5-11)

• Washington Redskins: Does the Campbell's Chunky Soup come with the trade? D.C. is dying to know. (10-6)

NFC WEST
• Arizona Cardinals: Matt Leinart now gets his chance to suck on national television. Thank you Kurt Warner for not pulling a Favre. (6-10)

• San Francisco 49ers: Which of these names doesn’t belong? Joe Montana, Steve Young, Alex Smith? HINT: It’s Alex Smith. (9-7) 

• Seattle Seahawks: Pete Carroll, haven’t I seen you before? Matt Hasselbeck was bald last season; he’s going to be bald this season (7-9).

• St. Louis Rams: This entry is in the rebuilding process. Please check back in five years. (0-16)

NFC NORTH
∫• Chicago Bears: “Jay Cutler threw an amazing amount of interceptions, something like 25. They’re bad. I’m not even trying to be funny. This is not a laughing matter.” -Chicago Resident. (6-10)

• Detroit Lions: ‘Pass.’ (x-x)

• Green Bay Packers: Aaron Rogers looks like Ryan the temp on “The Office.” By the end of the season they’re going to hope he, too, goes to Thailand. I jest. The Packers are going to be very good this year. (13-3)

• Minnesota Vikings: Come on Favre! Really? (11-5)

NFC SOUTH
• Atlanta Falcons: Matt Ryan still has a lot of potential but is still not good enough. Not since “Rolling Stone” claimed Oasis was the best band ever have I been more disappointed. (8-8)

• Carolina Panthers: Steve Smith does your back hurt? You’ve been carrying the entire team for years. (10-6)

• New Orleans Saints: Don’t get greedy or you’ll become the Patriots and no one, absolutely no one, likes those bastards. (14-2)

• Tampa Bay Buccaneers: If only they could get that ship working and steal some more talent. (2-14)

 
 

 

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