National Treasure: I Just, I Don’t Know

By Ben Spanner



A film has checks and balances similar to our government (Well, not our government in the past seven years. Oh, snap!). The director is the president, the producers and film crew are Congress, and the actors and actresses are the judicial system. They work, or are supposed to work, in complete harmony and when someone is not pulling his or her weight then the other branch swoops in and compensates. In rare occasions, they achieve excellence but most of the time they do just OK.


That, being said, I used to believe that a great cast and great acting could fix any problem in film. If the director is shaky in her/his vision then a great actor can pull the scene tighter and deliver a great performance. If the special effects in a scene were childish and unbelievable, the adept actress can make it all better with a look of true fear. I was steadfast in my belief that actors have power, but then something happened.


I have officially been proven oh so wrong.


“National Treasure: Book of Secrets” is an unbelievable and replenishable well of batshit crazy. I sat on the couch for 124 minutes with my hands on my head or my head in my hands and called my cousin twice (TWICE) to make sure that I was grounded, someway, in reality. When I was halfway through, believing I was teetering ever so gently into madness, I realized that I was having a good time. I just, I don’t know...


Give me a few moments to pull myself together.


I’m going to try to give you a snippet of the plot, even though I want you to discover it for yourself for the first time. We find our hero Benjamin Gates (Nicolas Cage) on top of the world. Although there’s no mention of his past adventure, we can see that he is now, along with his father Patrick Gates (Jon Voight), a well-respected name in the intellectual community. One thing leads to another and yada yada yada, Ed Harris shows up claiming that Ben’s great great grandfather was the mastermind in the assassination of President Abraham Lincoln. And we’re off ...


Diane Kruger reprises her role as Benjamin Gate’s girlfriend Abigail Chase and Justin Bartha tags along again as tech sidekick Riley Poole. On the tail of this cavalcade to find the real truth and clear the family name is National Treasure vet Agent Sadusky (Harvey Keitel) and newly added Professor Emily Appleton (Oscar-winner Helen Mirren).


So let’s recap: Nicholas Cage, Ed Harris, Jon Voight, Harvey Keitel, Helen Mirren, Diane Kruger and Justin Bartha. In any other circumstance this list would undoubtedly produce an excellent film. Whether you have beef with anyone on this list is nearly inconsequential — you can’t deny there is a lot of proven talent there.


And yet, like cows to the slaughter, each actor succumbs to the same fateful plot explosion in “National Treasure: Book of Secrets.” Great acting talent is hoisted high on the shoulders of this plot giant, only to be dropped and destroyed. In fact, I found myself laughing out loud to Nicolas Cage, only to be subsequently baffled when the story took a turn and all of a sudden they’re looking for this desk/safe hybrid from the late 19th Century that’s inside Buckingham Palace; which, by the way, they examine without guard interference or any rational law enforcement present. Oh, and they got there by using a mini-helicopter to take video from the smaller statue of liberty found in Paris which they also weren’t arrested for.


That’s about when I blacked out.


I’m on the ground now, opening my eyes just enough to see Nicolas Cage on top of Mount Rushmore. “There’s no way,” I said to myself before again passing out from brain exhaustion.


I awoke an hour later with the credits rolling and my dog licking my face. She must have thought her old man had finally bit the bullet. “It’s OK,” I said to her. “It’s over now.”


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Contact Ben at bspanner@graffitiwv.com