Top 5 Existential Crises Coming Your Way

By Ben Spanner



The worst part is, you don’t even know about this. You believe you have an idea. You’re a mature, educated college graduate who has his or her shit together. You’ve spent the middle part of your formative identity lacing those years with long hours at the (library/bar), grinding away (at your studies/on other people), and now you are left with a windfall of memories and (little to do with them/no one who will publish them).


But I’m here to (help/make things worse) by giving you a heads up on how to (deal with/implode due to) your Top 5 Existential Crises About To Come Your Way.





5 No one wants to get coffee at midnight because no one needs to. Remember when you’d hit up the coffee shop with a friend for a “pick me up” around midnight? Yea, well that doesn’t happen anymore. People are going to think you’re crazy if you call them at 11:30.


“Dave, what’s up man? Wanna get some joe?”


“You’re an idiot.”


Yup, that’s what you have to look forward to now. Physically your caffeine-riddled body will adjust because you’ll actually be tired by 11:30; remarkable but true. The curse is that you won’t go to bed then. You’ll have a hard time coping with sleeping that early until you get a hang of it. The jist? Once you start going to bed by midnight you’re going to think you’re old and have lost your will to rebel against the night.





4 You owe people money: The psychological imprisonment. Chances are, you owe your university or college. In fact, chances are, you owe them big. In six months time, after you officially get that piece of paper we’ve all spent four years trying to get, you get a thin envelope in the mail detailing how much money you owe and when that money is due.


You suddenly feel constricted, like your chest is submerged in deep water and your flight or fight response kicks in. They have you. The system has you. That feeling disgusts you and you try to rebel (usually by doing something inconsequential but symbolic, i.e. tossing the letter on your desk and cracking open a beer). Yea, that’s right. Go you. Now get that envelope and call your bank.





3 The majority of your friends might as well exist in parallel realities. One minute you’re waking up on Saturday and hanging out with your best friends and the other minute they are scattered around the country like seeds. You all know it’s going to happen and you think you’re ready for it, but when it hits it É well É sucks. If you’re lucky you have one or two who are near the city you live in after graduation, but most of the time you have to commit to the phone call or AIM conversations until you can see them again.


As for friends a grade behind you or what not, it’s weird to go through a life-changing event like graduating college and have them stay in the same place, a place that was once your place É


Long story short, drink a lot in those first few months and drunk dial your friends. Nothing says I miss you like a 3 a.m. phone call.





2 The Catch-22 of professional employment. You’ll spend hours pulling your hair out over this one, so be patient and keep your head down. You begin to notice that the jobs you are applying for all require years of experience — most of which you don’t have. Sometimes jobs even require a daunting five years of experience before even looking at a resume. Of course, you can’t get experience in that field unless you get a job and now you can’t get a job unless you have experience and the wheel goes round and round and round and round. Hopefully you find something/trick someone in the field you want to end up in and slip your foot in the door.





1 You. Here’s the good news: you came out of college with a better understanding of who you are. Now the circumstances are going to change (daily habits, where you live, what you do from 9-5) and my only advice is to establish some constants. In the year that follows in your post-grad, so many things are going to change you can’t possibly imagine. Keep something close that reminds you of some important college moments. Maybe it’s a book you read in a class you loved. Easy, leave it out in the open for you to see everyday. This may seem “old,” but buy some picture frames and fill them with college photographs mixed with current ones. While the thrills of binge drinking are over (hopefully), that doesn’t mean those memories were ever about that. Hopefully you had some great friends and you’ll continue to keep those memories strong. You just have to figure out your own way of doing it.


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Contact Ben at bspanner@graffitiwv.com