Paper Thin Walls

So this is why people love wrestling ...

Confession: I don't really like wrestling. Haven't in years. Well, since about 1999, the year I graduated from high school. Back then, the NWO was still relatively new and my buddies and I would argue incessantly about whether the WCW was better than the WWF (for the record, I choose the WWF because, to me, the only thing redeeming about the WCW was Sting).

But anyway, when I went away to college I found I had less time to discuss the merits of wrestling organizations. There was a part of me, too, that felt like I was growing up (hey, I was naïve), and should therefore move beyond childish things. And not childish as in thumbsucking or training wheels, but childish as in juvenile.

So, here I am, two weekends ago, in Huntington for WWE’s Smackdown (confession No. 2: I was drug there by a girl, which, I’ve decided, alternately makes me kind of lame and her the coolest girl in the world). I’m in line for food behind kids with championship belts, Rey Mysterio masks and Triple H shirts. These kids are everywhere and I’m at first taken aback, because some of my lasting memories of wrestling are of scantily clad ladies, steel chairs bursting open craniums, chants of “Suck It,” and the highly sexualized antics of Val Venis.

Which leads me to Revelation No. 1: Wrestling is, first and foremost, for kids. My lasting memories of the night were of the kids seated around me chanting for the good guys and booing the baddies; a young boy in the front row getting to be a guest manager while another go to ring the bell for a match; the guest manager being chased around the ring by one of the baddies after making the “Suck It” sign to him; and the Big Show stopping on his way back stage to accept a Big Show sign a boy had made and take pictures with the boy.

This also leads me to Revelation No. 2: Wrestling is popular because it so clearly separates the good guys from the bad. I haven’t watched a second of wrestling in years and yet I instantly knew who to cheer and who to jeer. Body language, cheap tactics, like running from a fan favorite, and cheating all establish these lines.

Revelation No. 3: Wrestling really is fake. I mean, I knew this anyway, but seeing wrestlers block head slams off the corner posts with their hands and very obviously not connect with a foot to the head was a little too much to take.

Finally, Revelation No. 4: The best part about wrestling is the finishing moves. Most of the matches, as demonstrated by the gentleman behind me who kept yelling, “Come on! Let’s wrassle!,” are filled with taunting and traditional wrestling moves, like grappling and holds. Therefore, when a fan favorite sets up his finishing move on someone, which often times was less than impressive, it’s easily the highlight of the match.